All Worldly Cares

Happiness and sadness run parallel to each other.  When one takes a rest, the other one tends to take up the slack.  ~Hazelmarie Elliott

After years of cynical thoughts and gloomy humor I woke up one morning and felt gratitude running through my core.  I don’t know how it happened, nor do I know why.  I simply decided to thank God for this gift and live each day feeling this happy vibration zooming through me.

It’s amazing how different life is when you wake up happy every-single-day.

It’s amazing how different life is when you wake up unhappy every-single-day.

It’s miserable to not know how to make the happiness return.  No matter how many happy thoughts you think, no matter how grateful you feel, no matter how much love you are given.

It sucks.

longing for the seclusion of bedtime the second you wake up.

hoping the phone doesn’t ring so your “cheery voice” doesn’t have to come out to play.

Wondering how long your friends will go believing you are fine after the 94th excuse to not hang out is given.

Praying your kids NEVER know you feel so sad in their perfectly beautiful presence.

Allowing the friends who are trying to be there “to help”… to be there, if for anything to allow them to see that I’m up and moving and at least trying to feel different.

Patrick and my Dad don’t handle “storm cloud” me very well.  For some reason they think it’s their fault that my mood has shifted.

It must be a man thing.

Last October something inside of me flipped.  I got sick and couldn’t seem to feel healthy, then woke up one morning and couldn’t seem to feel happy.

Each day that passed seemed to bring me deeper into this darkened room.  I tried harder than I ever have to combat these feelings by being near good people.  People with good attitudes, People who I knew enjoyed my presence, people who could sense my change but tried to just “be” and allow me to “be” to help bring me back to me.

I could see glimpses of “happy me” every now and then.  Usually when Patrick, Connor and Jordyn were near I could feel real smiles breaking through.

The torment of my brain screaming, “You have EVERYTHING you’ve ever wanted! Snap the HECK outofit!”  With the constant ache of my heart truly feeling like it was missing beats began to feel almost unbearable.

I was scared to talk to anyone about it because I was so ashamed that I was feeling these feelings.  Not being able to explain why I felt this way made me feel like a wackadoodle.

Patrick was working harder on “me” than on his own self.  Playing, Father, Husband, business owner and Psychoanalyzer wasn’t fair to him.  He truly is the love of my life and the greatest man I know.

The holidays came and went in what seems like a flash and I felt like I barely had time to feel anything at all.

January/February

I can’t remember one day where getting out of bed seemed like a possibility. It was as if my legs had bricks on them and it was just easier to not fight the heaviness of it all.

March/April

I tried each night to fall asleep as soon as dinner was cleaned up so the searing feeling in my chest could momentarily be stilled.

I awoke each morning with my face still damp from the tears cried into my pillow.  More drained than the day before.

I went to the Dr.

She informed me that I had cysts on my thyroid. This could in fact be the reason for So MANY things going on in my world.

Halle THANKYOUGOD Lujah!

Finally I felt like I wasn’t completely losing what marbles I had left.  But still didn’t know how to fix me.

I’m a work in progress at the present moment.  Still working on me every single day.

Relearning.

Thanking God for friends (the truest of true) and family who have gone to amazing lengths to let me know that I’m not alone.  That they are here and that they miss the me that I miss.  And letting me know that they are willing to put up with the me they have now no matter how un “me”  she may be.

I feel so often throughout the day that I am the luckiest girl in the world. I now know why.  :)

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery while on a detour.  ~Author Unknown

 

 

 

 

  1. That sounds like a beautifully written beautiful change. Do you know how much I adore you my friend?

  2. cassie |

    This wasn’t actually my Beautiful Change Post. (I promise it will come) That one is still unfinished…Along with 12 other unfinished blog posts from the past few months. And no…How much do you adore me? Cuz I’m pretty sure you hated me a few days ago. (wink wink)

  3. rachel marquette |

    cassie how did I miss this!? Oh I love you and truly value your friendship and you big beautiful soul. I have been in that darkness ( mine was depression caused by 2 babies – that I still struggle with). So glad the doctor gave you an answer!! sending you 1,000 hugs (((()))))

  4. cassie |

    Crazy…Been so long since ive visited your blog….I know this was awhile ago. But I wanted to check in here. How is your thyroid (and the cysts) now? You are such a beautiful person! xoxo, Cass

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